why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
