I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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