she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
