Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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