Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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