i would punch a child for taco bell
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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