He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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