You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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