fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
