There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
