she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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