Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
