i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
