I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize