She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
