The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
