Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
