Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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