It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
