I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
