time to smoke my breakfast
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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