the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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