why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize