if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
