stop calling my apartment porn island.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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