You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
