fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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