I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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