Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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