Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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