After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize