well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize