More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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