The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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