i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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