I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
