Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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