I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize