i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize