I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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