The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
