Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
