My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
