I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
