if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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