just come out here and I will go home with you...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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