What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
