worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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