So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
