youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Michael Bay diarrhea
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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