You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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