i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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