i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
