He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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