Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
